Weakness

My willpower is as weak as my heart.  I know that in order to strengthen one, I must strengthen the other.  This has not been an easy pill to swallow lately.

Truth:  Every night for as many nights as I can remember I lie in bed before falling asleep making empty promises to myself .  Promises that tomorrow I will be strong. Tomorrow I will be in control. Tomorrow is a new day and will be the first day of my recovery from a life of self inflicted damage.

These promises used to center around smoking.  I had seen the damage it did to the ones I love.  I had the knowledge to know I was hammering nails into my own coffin.  I spent the best part of 10 years trying to slay that dragon.  Oh, I was eventually successful, but not without years of failed attempts.

I recently discovered that I have a heart disease.  Although my heart is physically free of any abnormalities/damage...for some unknown reason it will start fluttering at an uncountable rate and no amount of medication will stop it.  I must be put to sleep and shocked out of the rhythm like you see them do to save people on TV.  My cardiologist (yes, I have one of those now) tells me that its the easiest thing he sees in his profession.  This is supposed to comfort me I guess, but meh, I hate the "it could be worse" angel of support.  Since my episode back in April, I have become hyper sensitive to my heart beat.  So much so that I jolt awake from deep sleep on a regular basis.  I could be seen regularly stopping my life to check my pulse.  It interferes with pretty much every thing I do all day every single day.  And quite frankly it sucks.  This is my new normal and will be for as long as I live...and quite frankly it really really sucks.

After my zapping, I expected to be bathed in a wrath of how I have to change my life if I plan to live much longer blah blah.  But that wasn't the case. I dutifully had all the regular medical testing I have so  conveniently avoided for more years than I care to admit.  Seems that other than the fact I take up twice as much space in this universe than I should, I am healthy.  Save for a randomly quivering heart deal and an very elevated risk of stroke do to said quivering heart thing.  Needless to say, it has been a rough few months.  New meds and new uncertainties. New anger and sadness along with new worries and fears.  I don't like it.  And I am trying to find ways to conquer all these unwelcome newness-es.

I am happy to say that I am making forward progress with some aspects of  my craziness. I went on a hunt for a heart monitor.  A means to quickly provide relief that all was well with my ticker, or alert me when it was not.  I began making the life changes that I have been promising myself nightly for years.  I am tired.  Tired of carrying around the baggage of my life that is so inconveniently knitted to my frame.  I have gone from being comfy in my own skin to hating the skin I am in.  I am very happy with what is under this shell, and that is not reflected by my outward appearance.  I have always taken the opinion that who I am on the outside has helped shaped who I am on the inside.  I still hold that ideal, but I am ready to find a healthy balance. I am ready to bring myself comfort by improving my overall health and hopefully in the process have my skin reflect how much I love and value who I am as a person.

I am stepping into week 3 or 4 (haven't been keeping track really),  I found my heart monitor and am happy to report that it has provided more peace of mind than I could have ever imagined.  As an added bonus, I ended up with a Fitbit due to the best reviews as an accurate monitor. Bonus is that I became aware of my activity level and how many calories I was burning every day.  It has inspired me and encouraged me.  I can honestly say it has been the best money I didn't have to spend that I have spent in a very long time.

I am consuming less space within the universe and I am feeling  better every day.  My willpower feels a bit stronger and I am hopeful it correlates to a stronger heart as well.