Hi, my name is Chellie and I am a widow.

For over a year, I have had this statement looming in my mind. The day I would have to click a new status box on a form. Or perhaps, having to say the words aloud when someone asked my availability. Today, I clicked that box.

You see, I was really good at being my half of our whole. It is what I have known for almost 43 years. Traversing life with my best friend by my side. When we weren’t sharing the same space in the universe, we were tethered by a connection that was unfathomable by most. Finished sentences, knowing each others cravings, and just gifted with a connection that allowed us to be alone, without ever being lonely.

I have literally been grieving for more than a year. Don’t get me wrong, I held onto hope and prayed for a medical miracle. But the truth of our situation was always in our face. We talked, at length, about what would happen “after”. He joked that he had to go first, because he could not be productive without me. I mean, who would fix the TV remote, un-delete ALL his contacts when he “accidently” deleted them…again! and unbuild and rebuild the items he refused to read the instructions for that never went together properly? He told me that he knew where he was going, he was just worried about leaving me here without him. He knew! He knew that he would leave me with a gaping wound that would never heal.

Truth be told… widowing is a very different form of unfathomable.

People ask me how I am. Such a complicated answer, to such a simple question.

Even though I am rarely alone, I am lonely AF !!